When you hear intimacy, what’s the first image that comes to mind? Two bodies intertwined between the sheets? Stop-everything moments of soul-gazing? Both? Every good relationship needs both physical as well as emotional intimacy to grow. What’s more, is the mind and body are linked in the most symbiotic of ways, tending to and feeding off one another to keep the partnership happy and healthy.
In my work with couples as a LMFT, I help partners re-envision their definition of intimacy as a way to expand their repertoire, energize their usual routine and embolden their connection.
Ready for an intimacy refresh or revival? Print the lists below, carve out some time to sit down with your partner and collaborate on a consensus list of elements on both the emotional and physical sides to try on for size. What would each of you like to see a little more of? Don’t be shy. Have the hard conversation. Your future self will thank you.
On the emotional side:
Heart-to-hearts, honesty hour or a nightly pillow talk spotlighting all the feels
Daily appreciation or gratitude for all the things your person does that make life a little easier, a little brighter
Paying attention to the minuscule but meaningful things like going out of your way to grab the favorite coffee creamer they’re running low on
Small surprises or random acts of kindness like leaving them a good-luck note in their car before a big meeting
Laughing together about the funny, the not so funny and everything in between
Unplugging from screens to really focus in on each other
Taking turns engaging in each other’s favorite pastimes (even if (and especially if) it’s not exactly a shared interest)
Writing love letters that reflect on the best of times
Flirtatious texting that takes both of you back to old-school butterflies
Evening walk and talks where you share your best hopes for the future
Cooking dinner together and veering slightly outside the lines of what the recipe calls for to create a unique spin on the ordinary
Dancing like no one is watching or belting the classics with the windows rolled all the way down
Planning date nights to look forward to (and making sure you safeguard that time together).
Going to couples counseling to start a conversation around intimacy (C’mon, I had to). Couples counseling is meant to be a safe space for you and your partner to explore fears, desires, fantasies, boundaries, communication and how your sexualities can evolve together, so that both partners feel empowered and close.
On the physical side:
Hugging or kissing when parting, reuniting or before lights out
Holding hands, cuddled up on the couch after a long day (or making a whole weekend out of just that)
Back rubs, foot rubs, playing with each other’s hair
Touching sensually versus sexually and without an agenda
Getting physical together outside of the bedroom- hot yoga, anyone? If you’re looking for more ideas to incorporate into your love life, download Gottman Card Decks, Love Nudge or one of the other couples-centric apps to explore and cultivate new skills together.
CAITLYN CRAWFORD counseling
Caitlyn is an LGBTQ+, Couples’, Womens’ and Teens’ Therapist in Kansas City, MO.
She is currently practicing at Great Oaks Therapy Center in Westport.
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