“Some people see scars, and it is the wounding they remember. To me, they are proof of the fact that there is healing.” ― Linda Hogan
There’s no sugar-coating it; infidelity in monogamous relationships is soul-crushing.
You feel angry, betrayed, disgusted, guilty, ashamed, desperate, insecure, rejected, exposed, violated, powerless, lost. Etc. And so on. And so forth.
An attachment injury between you and your person will certainly bend you. But it doesn’t have to break you. And it doesn’t have to mark the point of no return for your relationship, either.
A Rudimentary Roadmap to Recovery
For the injured party—
Accept the hurt. Let it sink in. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need. The only way out is through.
Take care of yourself by ensuring the basics are covered: eating, sleeping, moderating substance use, leaning on your people. Be gentle with yourself. Coping with flashbacks is a rollercoaster ride. Some days, it will feel like you’re ready to put the trauma in your rearview. Other days, it will feel just as raw and forcible as it did the first day you found out.
Self-soothe by going for a walk, journaling, listening to music…whatever helps you release powerful emotions weighing you down.
Set boundaries around what you actually need to know. Research shows that even though it may be tempting to inquire about every explicit detail to regain some level of (pseudo) control, this is not actually helpful or working to heal you in the long run.
Working Toward Forgiveness through Rebuilding Trust and Security
For the partner working to make amends—
Commit to end contact with outside persons. Be transparent and open about your actions moving forward. Offer access to your passwords and devices for the time being. Express genuine regret and remorse. Go out of your way to show your partner you are ready to rededicate yourself to the relationship.
For the couple—
Locate lessons learned. Make sense of the factors that lead you two here. Why do affairs happen? I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but it’s complicated. Sometimes, it’s the stuff going on in the relationship dynamic like high conflict, a lack of intimacy or different perspectives on roles or expectations. Other times, it’s more about individual characteristics such as undealt-with insecurities or a particularly difficult season of life encountered by either partner. It could also be the case that it has more to do with external factors like stress at work or a social network that isn’t exactly rooting for the relationship. Maybe it’s a perfect storm of all three. Finding the catalyst isn’t about excusing. It’s about understanding the signals to look for in the future and making a plan for how to course-correct if/when vulnerabilities are re-spotted.
Other ways to rebuild: Communicate with intentional care and compassion (i.e. ask how love would respond). Set time limits and other thoughtful boundaries when you talk about the attachment injury. Seek counseling. Re-envision your future together.
Have patience for your healing journey- re-establishing trust takes time.
Final Thoughts
An affair doesn’t have to be the end. It will always be part of your relationship story, sure, but it doesn’t have to define it. Let the growing pains bring you closer. You are strong enough to survive this storm.
CAITLYN CRAWFORD COUNSELING
Caitlyn is an LGBTQ+, Couples’, Womens’ and Teens’ Therapist in Kansas City, MO.
She is currently practicing at Great Oaks Therapy Center in Westport.
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